Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
