Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
