Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
