i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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