My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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