He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
