Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
