My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
