I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A+ Viking dick
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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