I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
