the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
