you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
