Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
