i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
