So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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