Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it's great music for shaving your balls
this will be a night to untag.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
