$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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