I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
