I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
