Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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