I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
