So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
