my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
