I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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