my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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