dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
