Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
