new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
