i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
