i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
