i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
