I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
