Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
