he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
