I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
