I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
