I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
