The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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