You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
