you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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