I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
