I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
