call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
