I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
