I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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