She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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