He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
