just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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