I cannot find my penis.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
