i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
