Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
