On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
