he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
